Healing the wound in our heart and honouring our wild, crazy, free Self.

Hello dear friend,

Have you ever experienced being in the flow your life, just going about your business, when out of the blue (or is it the black!?) something totally unexpected happens that simply knocks you sideways and sends you into a spin of bewilderment, as you reel from the shock?

Well, such a thing happened to me the other day when I was in the flood of my ecstatic bliss and love - as I tend to be. I happened to be perusing through the comments of my video on You-tube, 'Into the Love of our being', when I caught sight of a rather jarring remark:

"You're not right in the head, are you?"

This simple remark was enough to hit its mark in my heart with the accuracy and precision of sniper rifle. It was as if I was hit by the resounding ricochet of a heartbreaking memory of a painful incident long, long ago and of its impact on my life ever since.

And so this hurtful comment sent me spinning back in time:

I remembered that I was in my early twenties on that fateful day. It was one of those beautiful hot, still summer days, with the scent of freshly mown hay lingering in the air, the hum of a tractor in the distance, and with a cornflower blue sky with a complete absence of clouds; except, that is, the cloud that was about to erupt in my life.

I was really worried about my close friend: I had never seen him like this; he was in the throes of the deepest, darkest depression I had ever witnessed. He had the haunted look in his eyes of someone who had lost all hope as he lay on the cement floor, dusted with a light coating of sand in our condemned home that we were attempting to make habitable.

I could tell as he tried to numb his feelings with yet another a bottle of Jack Daniels, that he was utterly desperate and truly close to the edge. I felt overwhelmed; I felt that if I didn't get help I might lose him -I loved him so much!

I was very young at the time and didn't know how to cope; I was really frightened and feeling desperate for my friend, so I did what I felt I should - I rang a close relative for help.

He dropped everything in response to my cries and pleas and rushed over, but when he saw my friend lying on the floor in a crumpled heap he assumed that because there was no pool of blood or anything like that that there was obviously nothing much wrong. Then came the unexpected: he actually turned on ME and lashed out with words to the effect of: how dare I call him when there was obviously nothing wrong, furiously lashing out at me with the bone jarring words, yes, you guessed it: "You're not right in the head, are you?"

I think he had had the impression that my friend was physically dying under a truck or something, But I truly felt that my friend was gong to do something crazy; I felt he was on the brink of taking his life that day if I hadn't done something and so I had reached out with a plea from my heart, only to be struck down and dismissed in my moment of greatest need!

And so those words were that day seared on my soul, and now again, recently, as I glanced with tears in my eyes at those exact same jibing words glaring at me out of the comments section under my video, I hear the same cutting words imbued with another's anger at me. For I am not just simply hearing the voice of my viewer, but the scream of my relative's anger ringing in my ears, as I vividly recall the very same thing said to me in a fit of fury, with that flag of hatred flashing in their eyes. The flaming arrow of my close relative's contempt for me became an embedded truth for me, because it came sealed with the passion of his rage and the peak of my pain born out of that momentous moment and the severing of our Love. And so, a part of me died that day as I cut off my connection to my family and the idea of ever asking for help.

I knew in that moment he had cut me out of his heart forever and it left an indelible scar in my being; always lurking, it had to come back and haunt now me by a causal cutting YouTube comment.

I find it very strange that, despite the majority of comments to my videos having been awesomely appreciative, awestruck and enlightening and that I have also had a fair number of abusive and some downright unmentionable comments to my videos, that it was this one that really hit me where it hurts.

I wondered about this and why I had such a strong reaction to the comment and I realised that, because of the connection to my painful youth-hood experience, I had convinced myself it was actually true!

The wound has always been there and I know that as I go into more and more love of myself and this our beautiful world, those parts of me that are held down in pain and denial come up to meet me, to heal and be integrated into my being and into Love.

And so I sat down and felt and embraced my pain in my heart; it really was a wound in my heart, a searing hot pain like a knife cutting deep. I opened my soul and my body to feel it all, without backing away or denying it. After the first flush of intensity, the pain dissolved, as I felt it without resisting it. In that moment of non-resistance, acceptance and melting, I felt love and then healing as I saw the light of this experience.

Then I felt a tremulous tremble, like a spirit-quake in my being, as these words came whistling in on the voice of my soul:

"To believe in your passion, your love and your vision is to honour yourself.

"To live it, even when you are ridiculed, is to be in Exaltation!

"Go and soar freely like the wind!"

As I took this to heart, in that moment of healing between the rift of normality and the extraordinary, it was if the sun had come out. I realised in that golden momentous moment that my purpose in life is to be real and be authentic to myself: to share my passion, joy and unconditional love in my open and wild and wacky way!

Now, this may be stretching the boundaries of what is comfortable for others, and if for them that means I'm not 'right in the head' then yes, from their point of view, they're right!

However, I would prefer to be considered crazy rather than normal, for in the expanse of my free mind I feel the possibilities of new frontiers of being and living. I feel that ecstasy and love is our natural state of being, and so I revel in my natural ecstasy and love and am prepared to be in that natural, but unusual, place with others, even on YouTube!

And I bow and pay homage to my friend and his 'sharp' comment (he calls himself Blade004) and say thank you for reminding me of my preference to be wild , free and crazy and full of love, in preference to be 'normal' in my head!

I feel so grateful to Blade004, for without his cutting remark, I would not have got so in touch with the wound in my heart and so heal this part of me, thus enabling me to embrace the wild, wacky and loving me even more fully as my gift to our world.

Isn't that delicious, freeing and wild: allowing my mind to be free of the restraints and limitations around conformity that typically dog us?

I remember a comment on another YouTube video where someone had said that I share my love so shamelessly and honestly, and I do know that when I share my love, ecstasy and passion so freely and openly, I may be stretching the boundaries of what is comfortable for others. However, I feel deep in my soul that we all need people in our world that push the boundaries of what is considered normal and possible and that's not crazy: that’s genius.

We all have genius. When we dare to express what is uniquely us and let it flow we are in touch with that genius. And my own daring genius is to share the idea that living in Love and Ecstasy is natural - and that's okay!

And so yes, some will say I'm crazy and out of my mind, and I say to myself: "Thank them deeply for they are showing you the way of your truth: that is your unique self. Thank them for helping you affirm what is natural, even if not 'normal' in you... Revel in your extra-ordinariness."
And I say to you too: "Honour and love the crazy, brilliance of yourself: it's what makes the unique you and is the seed of your unique gift to our World."

Hallelujah

All is love,

Leela


Loveandinsight.com (my main website: healing, courses, resources)
KeysofAscension.com (FREE Personal Ascension video and attunement!)