Thursday, August 12, 2010

Opening to a new Love Relationship

Hello dear friend,

There comes a time in your life when something happens, such as a great Loss, that creates a shock wave in your being; yet it is a gift from your soul to awaken you. Like five thousand volts of electricity, of sizzling spirit zipping through your being, you are left fazed and momentarily dazed. And then you see with crystal clarity… what you have been hanging on to, that keeps you encapsulated in the tomb of your own confinement.

And so dear friend, I had a shock that was precipitated in the wake of the high energy wave of our most recent Living In Light course. As is customary and a wonderful finale to our course we found ourselves, that is John, Johannes and I (and my son Daniel) walking in bliss, with the wind in our faces and the taste of salt water on our lips, along the golden sands kissed by the sparkling turquoise waters to the crescent moon shape cove at Chapel Porth.

After walking through thigh deep water (the surging tide was coming in fast) we reached our lovely sheltered, honeyed haven and flopped ourselves down on soft glorious silky sand near very shiny black rocks polished smooth by the tides, to savour the stunning views of the rugged blue Cornish coast. John was talking away rather animatedly to Johannes (I had my back to them, and was silent, mesmerised by the effect of light dancing on water), when I was stunned out of my revelry as I heard Johannes’s urgent voice calling me: “Leela, Leela, John has fallen over!'

I abruptly turned round and felt the cold blast of loss hit my Heart.

And then the quickening: the shock of seeing my beloved lying helpless and unconscious on the sand accompanied by a punch-in-the-gut feeling, left me breathless and in a spin…… I saw my beloved had lost that light in his eyes. Sickeningly, I thought he had had a stroke or even that my beloved was dead...

And the cathartic pain of having my Love ripped from my heart cut through me, like razor, to lead me back to a memory of a past life.

It was when I had lost my Love before on a battlefield under leaden skies and fields stained with blood. He was lying there in what seemed like John’s forlorn form. I was trying to stem the blood from his bleeding heart, but to no avail… and I knew I was losing him then to the pale grey of dawn, as I felt I was now on the sands by the sea.

I lamented deeply. As he lay there with lifeless eyes, his lips pale and shrunken, there was a horrible wrenching to my heart, as I felt love and life floating out of me on the Atlantic’s misty mizzle.

So there I was: going through this eternal echo moment again, with my beloved. Out of the whirlpool of my churning emotions another misted memory came to mind: when I was only sixteen I was left numb by the shattering shock of the tragic death my first True Love as my parents simply said: 'He's dead'.

That left part of me frozen in a wrinkle of time and spinning down the path of self-starvation (anorexia), but that’s another story.

And so, as I gazed down to stare at my love as he lay there limp and lifeless, cradling his head in my arms, I am not proud to say: I felt, not just the overwhelming loss of my Love, but also the deep primal fear of total loss of support and the gaping hole of life bereft, and so very much on my own.

And all that left its frozen deathly grip on my heart and was ripping me apart, yet opening me for something ‘more’ in my being… I just didn’t know what.

Just as I felt this and poured my heart into John, I saw his eyes flicker, a smile breaking over his face as he came back from our w-holy and saving grace.

He opened his eyes and smiled and asked: 'Why are you staring at me?' !

So we looked at John and we all sighed with relief as he had light back in piercing blue eyes, though he still looked a bit grey. And we marvelled together in wonderment at how when he had fallen and hit his head on the rock he was sitting on he had had his fall broken by a soft carpet of sand that, synchronistically, a child had made earlier, in her play. He'd simply got too heady from the incredibly high Living In Light energies (highest ever!), not eaten enough and fainted. Within minutes he was fully recovered and we all saw how he'd served us all, and yet he'd been fully protected at the same time.

So, I was being given a message, as our soul’s angst often will do to open us up to something more.

It left me musing and meditating on my own relationship to my Self and my life. I realized that I too must die to an attachment to survival and support and love limited only to another, or it would be like a real death to me: one that snuffs out my light and whips at my soul.

And so on the following day beneath July’s hot sizzling sun I made a declaration of soul to be open to something more. I opened my arms and body, willingly to the listening Sky and cried out aloud: 'I surrender; I surrender to more, a new Love relationship with my world. I will grow into more of me and my Love.'

And as I relax and surrender and enjoy our embrace, I feel my Love always there, in every living particle of my loving universe. 

I feel it now, I grow and shine.

So, dear friend whenever you experience something in your life that feels like a great a loss or shock, see it with fresh eyes as means to free you from that which you maybe clinging onto in desperation and attachment. It's there to awaken you, to expand and open you to something more, not less.

You are growing too, my lovely, you are …

And I love you so very much,


Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Food for our Soul

Sometimes we feel a hunger inside that just won’t go away. 

I had such an ache today and it came in the form of a desire to share a little bit of my soul with you every day … I realised that I had been in denial, in a sense postponing that magical moment of meeting you, until I had finished my book. I wanted to give you my ultimate gift.

However, I came to realise too much dedication, too much introspection, too much focus and time at my desk away from other people, left me bereft and yearning for the breath of inspiration and interaction with others. And so I had come out of balance, leaving me hungry for more now.

And in musing on the music and mystery of desire, I came to the wonderful realisation that hunger, longing and desire is a positive thing! For example, my desire and longing is to share and meet with you soul to soul, heart to heart, now:  I am led by my heart’s longing to seek communion with you, through the wizardry of my words in this magical moment.

And furthermore: desires are our spiritual direction and give us presents and gifts for our soul, and niggle us to pay attention, create and relate.

So dear friend, I feel you with me in my heart as you read these words that I arose as I put pen to paper and let my desire flow.

Take a moment today, to listen to your longing or desire, take it gently by the hand or voice, let it flow through the prism of your heart, fingers and/or voice and make it  into your art from your heart, and share it wildly .

Through this sacred act you will give yourself food for your soul and feed another with the breath and bread of inspiration.

Can you now feel the dough of your our soul rising?

Love to hear what comes out the fire of your desire,

Loving us into our inspiration,

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