How to use feelings of desperation and suicide to go into your Light (UPDATED!)

Do you ever feel you have reached an end point in your life?

Has your life become so intense and incredibly challenging that you can't seem to control it anymore?

Do you feel you can't take much more, or that nothing is working the way it used to?

Perhaps you feel like you've lost everything and there's nothing left to live for?

Have you become so desperate that you've even thought about taking your own life?

Well, I would love to share with you how I recently used the memory of a near-death experience as an anchor to help me through the fear and total uncertainty in my own life. Through reliving my own 'death', I was again immersed into the Light.

When I was at college in my early twenties I had an argument with my boyfriend. He was giving me an ultimatum: "Have sex with me or I am no longer interested!"

I was filled with anger and rage and went off driving furiously into the beginning of a snow storm. As I rounded a particularly sharp bend my car began to spin madly out of control. I tried to stop her, instinctively putting my foot on the brakes, which, to my horror, made it worse: I was heading straight for a hedge and a rather solid looking beech tree!

What happened next took me totally by surprise!

My car shot through a gap that just 'appeared' in the hedge and started to hurtle down a steep bank. A fast flowing river appeared, glinting in the moonlight, ready to engulf me as my car began to tumble...

In that moment of recognising I was going to die, I became incredibly calm. This surprised me, as I was normally quite an anxious person!

Everything started to slow down. Every movement, sensation and sound filled me with utter fascination.

I felt intensely alive and acutely present in that moment.

Even the ripping of metal cutting through the undergrowth fascinated me and had me riveted!

I was overcome with a huge wave of gratitude for that moment, for the intense aliveness and intense beauty; even though I knew I was going to die!

Then, like a slide show, I saw my life projected in front of me frame by frame, as in the TV show 'This is Your Life'.

I felt a tinge of sadness and an echo of regret, for I had not done what I wanted to do in my life...

Then I heard the sound of breaking glass as I observed myself smashing through the windscreen and being hurled out into the cold, dark open air. And yet, incredibly, I was also landing into arms of the most dazzlingly white light!

The next thing I knew I was laying on the snowy grass... I was still alive!

Miraculously, I appeared to have no real injury; just one tiny cut on my right arm as reminder of what I had been through.

The vivid memory of that eternal moment has always stayed with me.

And so I come back to my present life.

Last month, I'd been reaching a culmination point of crisis where I couldn't hold onto my old life anymore. It seemed like I had lost everything that I used to define myself by: a home, money, job, clients, etc. All my old ways of thinking just weren't working like they used to...

And then I felt guided to remember my near-death experience, to remember how I felt as I was losing my hold on this reality. I realised that when I had stopped trying to control what was happening, because clearly, I simply couldn't do a thing about it, I had been saved, taken care of and supported!

I relived how exquisitely delicious the experience was when I let myself fall, surrender and accept the death of me...

And so, for several days now, I have been going through a similar near-death experience echoing my car crash experience.

It's like I have dived off a cliff and into the abyss; just the same as when I was tumbling through the windscreen of my car. Each moment in my life has slowed down to a standstill.

And so, for the last few days, with this new living-in-the-moment-of-death awareness I've been feeling I am flying and yet at the same time standing still. I have never felt so alive and so present. Yet, at the same time, I feel I am like a humming bird: moving fast, vibrating at infinite speeds, yet still - suspended motionless in the moment.

Even now, as I look out my window and over the sea, the waves are slowing down as I gaze at them...

Suddenly, taking a sharp intake of breath, I notice that, for this moment, they have actually stopped moving, as if frozen in mid-air!


This is such an uplifting and liberating experience that I am now actually grateful and happy that I had to create the loss of all those things in my life that I used to use to validate my existence. For in losing those things, I seem to have gained everything.

I can now see the whole picture. I can see how I was limiting my identity to these external symbols of abundance, security and happiness. And now I'm allowing myself to let them all go.

I have brought everything to a point of nowhere-else-to-go but to surrender and really let go of control and so I fall into my Light. I'm simply letting my life sort itself out, without forcing or controlling it anymore.

I feel I have expanded and floated into the whole of me.

I am flying through the air, just like I did in the car crash.

Now I realise that we do not need to create near-death, or an accident, to shock us into giving ourselves permission to start our life anew. We can instead totally surrender to our lives to our infinite self at any time. We can go with the flow of our God-Selves and let that take us through our resistance and into our light, letting our life unfold perfectly. (The metaphor of smashing through the windscreen unharmed was a symbol for me of breaking through my own barriers or resistance!)

And, as I write to you now, I am still tumbling through the air, but now through the expanse of my life; like a buzzard in his bliss amidst the clouds. I am soaring in the sky of my life to meet you in my heart, where we pierce the depths of our truth together!

And we are rejoicing, for we have never felt so connected to our earth and our heaven and to each other at the same time.

So, the essence of my story is that when we are feeling desperate, when we feel we have used up all our options or are even on the brink of suicide, we can use our desperation to our advantage. We can tap into that feeling of dying as a metaphor to help us make a transition into a new dimension and a new life for ourselves. And as we surrender, as we truly let go of control, we are miraculously taken care of in the Light of our being.

May you too have an exalted time spinning, dying and flying!

And, by the way, since all this letting go, my whole life has already begun unfolding again: I am enjoying the ecstasy of sharing my passion of helping people into more of themselves, into their Light, in fact, with a great flow of new people coming into my life. And my finances have taken a sudden and abundant upsurge!

I wonder how it will unfold for you. I would love to know.

In the light of our joy,

Leela





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