Wednesday, September 03, 2008

When you hit the wall - how to get through the Dark Night of the Soul

Hello dear Friend,

There comes a time in our growth and Ascension when we hit what appears to be a wall.

Out of the blue it comes, like the sound of fire doors being slammed shut around you, imprisoning you in a 'grey' room with no windows, no light, no way out! You are left gasping for breath and stunned in bewilderment: you have hit the 'wall'.

This is like a ceiling limit that you are wanting to go through in order to be free of all attachments to your physical reality that have kept you in limitation.

Two weeks ago, when I hit my own dark night of the soul, I felt I was going out of my mind. Everything that I had previously held in store about the nature of my reality appeared to be unravelling fast; this was the most awesomely painful loneliness I have ever experienced. It was accompanied by losing everything in my life that I had believed gave me meaning, value and stability. It felt like the whole framework for my life that had been previously cultivated, perfectly schooled and groomed over the years was disintegrating.

I had to just let go and go and feel my own way through it; there was no way out, all my bridges had been burnt.

There was no one to turn to, only my guides and my trusty gut feeling: my instinct by my side.

When you too, hit this wall, I know that it will be the hardest thing you have ever gone through and, whereas I was on my own, I want you to know that, if you like, I will be with you, holding you in my heart every step of the way.

And so dear one if you find yourself in the dark night of the soul, wrestling in the madness of your own desperate thoughts, do not try and push yourself through it. You need to feel everything. Feel everything... and it will pass.

Even though it will feel like you are going crazy, please be assured that you are not going out of your mind; you are breaking free of the attachments that you have created and that you believe you needed to validate your existence or give you a sense of purpose or meaning in your life.

For me that was a job, a stream of clients and opportunities to assist and support other people. And so I created what I feared the most - the unthinkable: for all those things to be taken away from me that I used to validate or justify my existence.

I had to feel the absolute agony of experiencing the strength of my own ego when divided against myself: falling prey to the belief that I needed a job, clients, even a 'life purpose' for being here, believing that these things gave me value, meaning or validity to my life.

The strength of my will to not let go of all this was creating havoc, like the pain of teeth being extracted ...

I was so stubborn; I wanted to hang on and on to these beliefs. Like a dog with a bone I wouldn't let go. The more I clung onto these ideas that I ought to be trying to make a living, make my life work, get myself out there and so on, the more I created disintegration in my life.

This effort was so obviously not working that the only way was to go with the flow of what I was feeling and to know that, somehow, this was my excitement and joy too.
And that is what I had to go into: I had to feel every last part of it and be broken down by it.

Yes, I needed to be broken and I wept and I surrendered as I was torn asunder.

What I experienced was that you cannot rush this process; you need to allow yourself to feel everything to its raw essence. Let yourself cry; rage is normal, even feeling suicidal is common too. For you are facing everything in your being that you have used to keep yourself subdued and restricted and you're losing those things in your life that you have used as a crutch to give you a sense of stability, security and meaning .

You are going through a process that is cathartic. It feels like you are being stripped of everything. It is like trail by fire and water' combined: everything that you thought you needed to be you is stripped away.

See it as a process of purification and do not resist any emotion that comes up. Feel it, accept it without judgement and follow the flow of your emotions and feelings in your body; it will take you into what you really want.

In fact, know that the greater the degree of despair, the more you need to let go of. For indeed, you are fighting yourself, desperately trying to cling onto anything with the semblance of normality; it feels like you are losing your reality. And you are: the one you previously held onto so dearly and tightly in order to try and maintain control!

The only way out is to embrace the unknown, the instability, the uncertainty as your own flow. Then something amazing starts to happen: as you flow with the uncertainty you become open to the unexpected. And then you really do start moving into the higher realms of living an exuberant and light filled life.

Know that when you're facing this it means you have hit a pinnacle point in your spiritual evolution. Know you will break through the ceiling of your reality as you perceive it now; you will pass right through it all.

It's time to let go. It's time to let go and fly!

As you see all the things in your life fall away from you, know them as your attachments that were like weights to hold you down. And as you let go of these attachments by not resisting or trying to control what is happening you will start to fly.

Bravo, Bravo!

However, as long as you resist this momentum of your life, more and more of your life will break up!

For you are going into a higher frequency now. Just like being a very finely tuned instrument, you need to allow yourself to flow and not to resist whatever is happening - even despair, sadness, and loneliness - just go with that as your flow too. Resistance creates heat in your being; you will burn yourself up, create aches and pains in your body; you will cause things to fall apart as you resist your own momentum.

You are venturing through an asteroid belt of you own making. Stop trying to dodge the asteroids and simply go with the flow; you will be perfectly safe as they slip right on by. You can't stop it now. You have come so far!

One thing that also really helped me when I was at my lowest point was that I asked myself the question: "What do I really want? What could I give myself now, when all external stimuli and support mechanisms have been stripped away?"

And the answer was so clear: to be in my light, ecstasy and joy, to love, to fall deeply in love with the whole of my reality - hook, line and sinker.

And that's what I did!

Looking back I can see how wonderfully my dark night of the soul helped me to lose these things in my life that was distracting me from feeling and getting in touch with every particle of me that wasn't pure, and to help me energetically to the place where I truly wanted to live my life.

And you know what? I feel I have truly broken through, for suddenly, abruptly weird and wonderful things are happening; the main one being that I have lost my driver for the need to earn or be successful, or even have a purpose.

Gosh! I feel such peace!

I have never felt such profound peace. I have lost my old sense of identity - I feel like I am merging and melting into everything. All I know now is that I am, I am, I am!

I am just pure beingness...

It feels amazing! I am so grateful for this experience, "Thank you my Universe, thank you my God, thank you my life! I know I have truly made it. I have hit and entered the pinnacle point in my life where I need nothing to give me permission to be All that I am!"

This is what I have always wanted. It only ever been just a hair's breath away and yet I felt I had to control, manipulate or fix my life just to live, breath and dance in absolute light, splendour and love.

But now I HAVE let go of all that effort and now I am whooshing around in my joy and light.

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in Excelsis. Literally, I have stripped way the layers of my being that I created to keep me tightly in control. And I am now so very comfortable being in my own skin.

I no longer have to do that much in my life... As I exude my joy and passion without expectation, just for its own sake, as I have really let go of control of my reality, my life is coming towards me. I appear to be attracting what I truly desire in the most amazing unexpected ways. Each day has become a living adventure even in the 'mundane'. Now I play and dance in my love and joy, truly being happy with where I am at and truly being ecstatic with not having to have those things in my life that I thought I needed. I whirl and waltz away my hours sewing, walking, playing, cleaning, musing and writing!

God! I feel like a child!

Now, just when I thought I had hit total acceptance, and in not just passive way but in a totally blindly ecstatic way, the unexpected happens...

I become enveloped in a complete dimensional shift. It feels like when we are in 3rd density we have to work outwards to make things happen, but now in my new dimensional experience things appear to come towards me.

I have this definitive feeling: I am literally living a dream of me; I feel am actually living IN a dream!

This leads me gently by the hand to remember and feel so clearly how I felt when I was living in the star system Arcturus in another 5th dimensional reality life experience, when as an etheric being of light, I only would have to think of something and it would appear! For example, if I wanted to get somewhere, I was already there! (Much like you may have already experienced in a dream)

I feel that the more I let go of controlling my reality the more I am now living as my Arcturian self, right here. It is as if that version of me has become me and is more me and more real than the version of 'me' that I was (prior to my dark night of the soul).

I am being ' me', here now on earth, so utterly, utterly clearly!

I don't have to do much: I think of something, I am in joy and it manifests. It's all become one event without interruption.

I realise that when we 'want' something, we have already created the idea of separation, because we feel we are separate from what we want, and that feeling actually pushes it away...

Making it all one event, by BEING the event or thing I desire means there's no interruption between the desiring, the manifesting and the enjoyment of its experience! And, of course, it usually then manifests in the most unexpected ways!

In this way, openings and opportunities have begun to open up for me in ways that I did not foresee before when I was so locked into the need for things to happen in a certain way.

All this has led me to be in such a place of wonder and ecstasy in this moment...and in this next moment... and this next moment!

I feel I no longer need a label or an identity, such as a spiritual teacher, a healer or even to be known as an Ascension Teacher; for a label would now limit me.

Nor do I need something to happen to make me happy, for as I desire it, I am it.

What this means is that what I truly desire to create, I create and I create for the absolute pleasure and fun of watching the whole process of my creation: from a desire to create 'something', to going into love and resonance with it and imagining its exquisite flowering, and then, with absolutely no effort or even thinking about HOW to create it, it just happens in its own way (thinking about how I could create it seems to stop the process in its tracks!) and I am dazzled in delight by the physical manifestation and flowering of my creation.

You see, it's more this process of going into love that is so thrilling for me and quakes me to the bone, rather than being hooked into the goal of mere manifestation itself; though that's a fun by-product that appears to happen automatically!

Rather, I am simply enjoying being in love with all my creation.

So, out of this place of the dark night of the soul, I seem to have moved into yet another level of me, to the point of being stripped of everything in my life that I thought I needed to be me and make me happy.

As all those things, supports and labels are now taken away; I am left with just 'me': I am all stillness, all quiet, all nothingness, all no-one-thing.

As I feel and explore this feeling with the whole of my being, I feel it utterly to my core. I sense that this Me, this 'substance' of Me I can feel when all is else is 'gone' is not just 'me' the witness of it all, but also that this 'me' really is my entire reality too: my life and my world, even my entire Universe. And as I behold this in awe, I recognise that everything has actually been born out of my imagination and has my own flavour running through it all! I immerse myself in the embrace of: All of This is All Me and that All of Me is All There Is.

This is indeed a place of deep peace, utter beingness and bliss, for there is nowhere I need to go to and there is nothing I need to strive for or attain: I am All there ever was and All there ever will be.

And from that state of everything being All Me and All There Is, I ask myself what I want now? What is my natural impulse?

From somewhere deep inside my core I feel a deep primal desire to love absolutely and unconditionally as my prime motivation: to create and to relate, to go into dynamic relationship with my whole reality, to love, honour and own my entire life experience as Me, to make it all utterly Personal and so discover and enjoy and have fun in learning throughout the unfolding of my creations, to take the leap into viewing my entire reality as my lover and teacher - loving me and supporting me into being more of me.

From that place of loving my entire reality as Me, I come to know and feel the profundity and implications that manifestation is not just a 'thing' that is manifested, but that I am the very thing being manifested, itself!

So, my dark night of my soul has led me to know 'This is All Me', and yet I am still enjoying the exquisite sensation of being IN a physical reality, experiencing the joy of some polarity and a sense of separation that gives me something to play with, to be in relationship with my entire reality as if it were my 'lover' and 'teacher ' and so discover more about me and my own personal reality.

And that, of course, includes you, dear reader, making an 'appearance' in my world with me, in my imagined universe. You, dear one, are born of my desire to know more of me, as I am born out of your imagination and your desire to know more of you. I sense that we are indeed utterly the same One; yet at the same time not only enjoying our own personal realities, but also appearing in each other's too!

Thus, we create relationship with the appearance of each other and 'things' in our reality, in order to savour, grow and enjoy the process of our creation: the joy of creation and the joy of just being, all happening simultaneously!

And the awareness of all this happens with absolutely no effort, but out of my unconditional ecstasy and wonderment that I am, indeed, in Oneness with the wonderment of all creation.

Again, all this has arisen out of the pain, and even despair, of hitting my wall and reaching the ceiling limit of my reality: my dark night of the soul

So, take heart, dear one. If you are going through your dark night of the soul, know that if you allow yourself to move through it without judgement of yourself or trying to control the process, you too can move into the brightest light of you that you can imagine.

This is your greatest moment; even when you feel you are being broken down and you are in the midst of such unquenchable angst know that this is your joy too, your flow and excitement. Know that you have asked for this; be in gratitude for this breaking free of your negative beliefs and attachments. And then you will move into your light...

If you are feeling your own dark night of your soul now, I am so happy for you! For, indeed, you are also at the cusp of your light! This is your sacred moment. This is the moment you have been waiting for!

Leela (my main website: healing, courses, resources) (FREE Personal Ascension video and attunement!)
Please spread the word! Click to bookmark:


nick lankester said...

I am totally with you! hehe...

Its not until we have 'lost' everything that we are free to do and be anything!

much love

Lucy said...

Thankyou! This explains how I was feeling for the last year. I have come out of the worst of it but I am still feeling that I am in the waiting stage. I am going with the flow of things now.

Travis said...

I love this post :) Spiritual people are always the hottest

Leela Jamieson said...

Hi lovely Lucy,

Thanks for your heartfelt comment.

Even the waiting stage is going with your flow. And when you are at ease and joy with your waiting, you will find yourself moving into something even more beautiful,amazing and more you.
Way to go Lucy !

All my love,

Anonymous said...

hi from Germany, Leela!
Thank you so so much for sharing so openly and flowingly from the heart. beautiful. I feel too to be on a threshold - would call it more threshhold than dark night... have been in dark night too I think. Feel so many developments now, am experiencing spiritual openness increasingly and also frustration in the every-day, how to organize, time flying, organisational things, ...
How to integrate those realms? That comes "easily" when this threshhold is crossed, the "wall" moved through... am i right?
Hugs and heart-light to you
Becki :-)
( -best way to answer me)

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post Leela!
I love the way you described the whole process and your feelings so vividly.
I just went through a lot of purging recently and feel myself flowing more smoothly and being more in touch with my Inner Self.

Thanks for this fantastic post, it is so reassuring and inspiring!

Lots of love
Martha (from Abetalk) ^_^

Leela Jamieson said...

Hello Becki,

I am so deeply moved to receive your comment.

When you move through the threshold you have shifted into another version of yourself where all the details of your life fall into place and are taken care of most expediently and effortlessly. This happens from a place of utter surrender to your passion, love and truth, and living your life being, feeling and breathing your highest ideals, no matter your circumstances in your daily moment to moment experience.

All my love to you- and to all in Germany from the Heart of Cornwall,


tonalgrace said...

Dear Leela,

I just read this most recent blog after listening in on the radio/talk show. I feel so blessed to have attracted you and these inspired comments into my reality today. I resonate with all of the comments here. Your descriptions Leela are vivid in a way that deeply touches my soul and resonates with my own current experiences. When I read what others have written I don't feel so alone. I've noticed the more we expand into this knowing there is less "wiggle" room for old patterns of behavior, bringing us to and through the "eye of the needle" where we have to let go of all we thought to be so important. It feels so new to fall in love with this continual death/birth process. Your blog has helped me to embrace this journey. With much love & appreciation! Theresa

Lucy said...

Hi Leela. I must tell you after this I started to feel foreign to myself. I started to say to myself I feel Alien over and over alot. Then I started to say I am Alien lol. But the feeling has settled down now. I almost believed I was alien there for awhile. I felt a great deal of fear surrounding a ufo sighting in the states last month so I do hope we have more positive reactions on Oct 14th. I also have had alot of buzz in my ear this week past but I am still unable to hear what they are trying to convey. I do know they are here though and feel much more at peace now. Thankyou for all you do and for all the support you show.

Anonymous said...

Exhaltations Friend.

I am here to help you as you have helped me
Blessings, Love & Light

Salee Slight-Hart